By Steve Fey

Not just dancing with snakes, or at least not just anybody dancing with snakes. I was reading along on the Internet earlier today when I came across a story from the New York Times, no less, about how there is a belief in China that the more people you have at a family funeral the luckier that family will be in the future. So, not wanting to invite disaster (which explains, of course, why there is no Democratic Party in China) the good people hire mourners, including magicians, clowns, musicians, and, yes, nude women dancing with snakes.

Iíve been to a number of funerals in my life. Usually theyíre nice enough affairs, and nobody speaks ill of the dead even if they deserve it, and everybody is nice and friendly and helpful and all, but not once, not even for a little bit, have I ever seen at a funeral a nude woman dancing with snakes. I think I might have seen some documentary about the history of exotic dance on HBO once that involved something like that, but never at a funeral, right there live in front of all of us mourning friends and relatives. I mean, come on, do you wonder that weíve had some unlucky times recently?

The solution for faulty intelligence prior to the World Trade Center bombing in 2001? Nude women dancing with snakes. The solution to inadequate planning for insurgency in Iraq? Nude women dancing with snakes. The solution to the widespread problem of obesity I keep reading about? Nude women dancing with snakes! Need I go on, people? Can you not see the pattern here?

Obviously, this is a problem with a simple and obvious solution. Ladies, if you love your country, not to mention your familyís good fortune, then go out right now and get yourself some snakes. Then, right there in the parking lot of the store selling the slithery things, take off all of your clothes and start dancing with your new pets. Gentlemen, can you do less than to urge your wives and or girlfriends to do the same? Donít you see how the fortunes of the United States of America are riding on this simple yet powerful act? Men, you canít do it, but your women can. So, get up off your duffs and start pushing those women toward the pet shop! There is no time to lose and things are only going to get worse. Unless, of course, we manage to recruit a whole lot of women to get out there and dance with those snakes.

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